Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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