nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
After tacos, we're chasing women.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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