let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
