At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
