Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
