Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
