I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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