community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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