I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
