My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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