So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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