Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
