I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
