Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
