What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Randomize