Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
