Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
