I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
