A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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