i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
