i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize