i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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