70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
