alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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