I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
