I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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