he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
