You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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