Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize