Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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