Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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