What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
