That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
