a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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