i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
