Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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