Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
