I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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