that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
