Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I deserve this hangover.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize