where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
