Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
