your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
