I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
