The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
