so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
