I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
