I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
