I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
