I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
