You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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