remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
