I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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