Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
