I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize