first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize