That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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