I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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