She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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