I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
